Pet Humor...

A burglar is stalking stealthily around the living-room of the house he's just broken into. He jumps with fright when he suddenly hears a voice behind him saying "Croaoak, beware, Jesus watches you" He turns around, swings the beam of his flashlight in to direction the voice comes from and sees what indeed the voice had made him think once he was over his first fright : a parrot. The bird repeats "Croaoak, beware, Jesus watches you" The burglar walks up to the cage and asks "And what may your name be? The parrot answers "Coco"? The burglar sniggers and says "I've always found that a very stupid name for a parrot." The parrot answers "Maybe, but not half as silly as Jesus for a pitbull terrier"

- There's a guy with a Doberman Pincher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pincher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua figures "What the hell," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" He says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

A blind man walks into a hardware store with his seeing eye dog. Very briskly, the man makes his way to the center of the store, and stops. Without hesitation, the man picks his dog up by its leash, and begins spin the dog around over his head. Seeing the poor pooch flying around the air, the store managers quickly makes his way over to the blind man. Without pause, the manager asks the gentleman if he can help. Without concern, the blind man replies, "Nope, just looking around."

Dalmatians A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past them. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, he's just for good luck," said another. A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Dog property laws:
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
Signs :
On a Fence : "Salesmen welcome Dog food is expensive."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room : "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit Stay"
If I Didn't Have Animals . . . .

I could walk around the yard barefoot in safety.
My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated.
All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture, and cars would be free of hair.
When the doorbell rings, it wouldn't sound like a kennel.
When the doorbell rings, I could get to the door without wading through fuzzy bodies who beat me there.
I could sit on the couch and my bed the way I wanted, without taking
into consideration how much space several fur bodies would need to get comfortable.
I would not have strange presents under my Christmas tree -- dog bones,
stuffed animals, toys, treats nor would I have to explain to people why I wrap them.
I would have money .... and no guilt to go on a real vacation.
I would not be on a first-name basis with 6 veterinarians, as I put their yet unborn grand kids thru college.
The most used words in my vocabulary would not be: out, sit, down, come, no, stay, and leave him/her/it ALONE.
My house would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates or barriers.
My house would not look like a day care center, toys everywhere.
My pockets would not contain things like poop bags, treats and an extra leash.
I would no longer have to Spell the words B-A-L-L-, F-R-I-S-B-E-E, W-A-L-K, or T-R-E-A-T. (And I-C-E C-R-E-A-M)
I would not have as many leaves INSIDE my house as outside.
I would not look strangely at people who think having ONE dog/cat ties them down too much.
I'd look forward to spring and the melting of snow instead of dreading mud season and finding all that poop under the snow!
I would not have to hire a house sitter to keep everyone happy every time we travel!
I would not have to answer the question "Why do you have so many dogs/animals?"
from people who will never have the joy in their lives of knowing they are loved unconditionally by someone as close to an angel

How empty my life would be.

Dog Philosophy

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
-Ann Landers
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
-Will Rogers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare.
And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
-M. Acklam
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people,
who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
-Sigmund Freud
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
-Rita Rudner
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
-Robert Benchley
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
-James Thurber
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise
-Unknown
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul, chicken, pork, half a cow.
They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
-Anne Tyler
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret
My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.

PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note,
placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up
in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the
knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have
been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.That's why they call it 'fur'niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/ daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. You can Spay & Nuter your pets!


Puppy Mark

An effusive client brought a litter of golden-retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. She loved them so much, she couldn't keep from remarking about their cute habits.
As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I never realized they had to be baptized."

Back a page   Back a Page...        Back a page   Back To Main...